the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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