i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
