i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
