She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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