Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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