Your face is a jimmy john
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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