there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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