also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
