atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
