I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Randomize
