So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
operation have a gay friend backfired
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
