i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
