Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
