the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
