he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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