it hurts more in the daytime
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
