i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
