one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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