i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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