Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
