Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
