I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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