The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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