You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
