I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
