Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
