I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think my moral compass just broke
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
