I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
