so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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