good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize