i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
