The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
