I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
