i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
too bad you live with your parents still
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
