Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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