Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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