You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
