well I can't set my house on fire every night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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