i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
