I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
