After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
