Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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