she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
