duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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