Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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