i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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