On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
