god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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