I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize