you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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