I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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