remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize