My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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