2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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