We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
