Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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