kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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