So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
